"I Just Needed You To Know"
"I Just Needed You To Know"
By: Brendan Cadman
On a cool and misty Saturday afternoon, Ethan and Jacob sit on a large black leather sofa inside of their two bed room apartment in Lincoln Park. Drinking and watching football as the grey clouds outside softly spray water against the window, the two friends spend hours passing beers and engaging in various different topics of discussion. Ethan reclines the sofa, lounging in his grey sweats and green hoodie, as Jacob repositions himself to the lazy-boy recliner on the other side of the room.
"You want another?" Ethan offers to Jacob as he reaches into a small cooler placed on the living room table in front of the sofa covered with empty beer cans and a half full pizza box.
"Nah I'm okay man," Jacob declines.
"What are you all dressed up for anyway?" Ethan comments on the dress shirt and slacks that Jacob is sporting.
"I'm actually meeting Sofia's parents tonight," Jacob explains. "We're going to go out for a few cocktails and then I made reservations for the four of us at Gibsons. What about you? Anything big planned for tonight?"
"You're looking at it," Ethan says as he cracks open another beer.
A few brief moments of silence come between the two.
"Oh come on!" Ethan exclaims. "How are you gonna pass the ball on third and one. This fucking team man, I swear."
Jacob looks on in amusement at his friend fixated on the TV screen, but before long the look changes into one of concern. Ethan doesn't take notice of his friends examination, at first, but as the silence lingers Ethan can't help but look over to the other side of the room.
"What?" Ethan says with a chuckle in his voice.
"I'm just worried about you man," Jacob admitted.
"Well if this coach would get his head out of his ass and run the ball everything would be fine," Ethan humorously replies.
"You know that's not what I'm talking about," Jacob responds.
"Yeah?" Ethan says into his beer as he takes a sip and refocuses on the action unfolding on the big plasma screen sitting on a stained wooden cabinet against the wall across the room. "Then what are you talking about."
"You know what," Jacob adds with a slight hint of frustration.
"Oh," Ethan drags out. "That. Well you know the funny about that is? I really don't want to fucking talk about it. So if you wouldn't mind, that'd be fucking great."
"Hey man, I know you're hurting," Jacobs offers. "But we're all just trying to help you. I really think it would be a good idea to talk to someone. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine, but you really should open up about it to someone."
"I think I'm good," Ethan annoyingly utters.
"Are you?" Jacobs states as Ethan turns his head back to his friend. "You've just been sitting around here for weeks now. Every time I try to get you to come out and get you out of this rut, you just shrug me off and stay right there on the couch."
Ethan returns his attention to the game and his beer.
"See, just like that," Jacob chides.
Jacob takes a breath, and a moment, to formulate the best way to express what he has left to say to his old friend.
"Look man," Jacob begins. "I can't imagine what you went through, so I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I know how you feel. You guys were really close and then suddenly it was just over. No red flags, no warning, nothing, it was just done. Something happened and I don't know what, and maybe I don't need to know, but I think you have to tell someone. Otherwise you'll just go crazy."
Ethan sets his beer down and looks intently at his friend.
"You guys were two of the closest friends I've ever known, even closer than us," Jacob continues. "Maybe, more than that."
This implication catches Ethan's attention. He maneuvers from his reclined position and moves towards the edge of his seat. Ethan then dawns a look of vulnerability on his face, and for a moment it looks as though he may actually let his guard down. As he contemplates what he is trying to say, suddenly he stops. Almost as if whatever brief spell had him ready to let his friend in, had broken. He sinks back into the depth of the couch and takes a swing of his drink.
"You're gonna be late to Sofia's aren't you," Ethan coldly says.
Jacob lets out a dull sigh before standing up from his chair, gathering his belongings and heading for the front door of the apartment. He opens the door and takes a step into the building's hallway, but before closing the door he turns around to say something to his friend.
"I hope you find some form of piece with what happened," Jacob's voice softly says as Ethan continues to watch the game. "I'll see you tomorrow buddy."
"Have fun," Ethan says as Jacob finally exits the apartment and firmly closes the door behind him.
As Ethan sits in the silent apartment, his mind begins to wander. He starts to think about everything he has gone through and everything that Jacob said to him. Just as his thoughts were to consume him entirely, Ethan cracks open a fresh beer and blares the volume of the football game taking place on the TV screen. For at least one more night he is able to escape.
Or so he thought.
As the game ends, Ethan quickly flips through the other stations to try to find his next distraction. Unable to find anything to calm the unrelenting clamor in his head, he angrily switches the TV off and tosses the remote aside as he stands up from his seat. He looks around the mausoleum like room before desperately reaching into the cooler for another drink.
All he finds is emptiness and the water of melted ice.
"Fuck!" Ethan shouts to no one in particular.
As his thoughts begin to break through the fortress of his subconscious, Ethan vainly paces his way out of the living room and towards his chambers at the far end of the apartment. The familiar journey past the TV, down the short hallway, by the apartments one bathroom, and through the door of his bedroom, that usually takes mere steps feels like a voyage across continents. He slams the door behind him, pressing is back up against the white paint, as if he is trying to keep out and intruder or an unseen monster.
"You're fine, you're fine," Ethan repeats to himself in between deep breaths.
Having calmed himself momentarily, he saunters over to his bed and plops down on the pillow and comforter covered mattress. Ethan picks up his Ipod and headphones on the nightstand to his left and starts to play music into his ears. Unable to combat his anguish through music or sleep, Ethan throws an empty stare towards the ceiling above him.
Soon the music in his ears fades and all he can hear is silence, as the ceiling stares right back at him. Whatever unseen force that has been picking this fight with him, has finally won.
"FINE!" Ethan once again shouts into the nothingness.
He springs up from his bed and begins to put together an outfit. Ethan disrobes and with a towel around his waste, exits his room and walks towards the bathroom. He runs a shower and cleans himself up for the evening, before heading back to his room to get dressed and order an uber. Just as his phone goes of to notify him of his arriving excursion around the city, Ethan takes one more quick glance around his apartment.
Finally ready to go out around town for the first time in weeks, he takes a step out into the hallway and closes the door behind him.
"Are you Ethan?" the voice of a middle aged black man calls out from the rolled down window of a car parked on the busy city street.
"Yeah," Ethan responds. "Thanks for the ride man."
"Don't mention it," the driver says as Ethan closes his passenger side door and the two temporary traveling companions ride off into the busy Saturday city night.
"So how's your night been going so far?" the driver says to Ethan.
"It just getting started," Ethan jokes.
"Nothing wrong with that," the driver assures. "So you're heading to the Green Door?"
"Yep, that's the spot for tonight," Ethan confirms. "To be honest I haven't been out much for a while, so I figured I'd go somewhere I'm rather familiar with. Plus I know the bartender working there tonight, so a few free drinks here and there is a nice incentive."
"Ha I feel you," the driver smiles. "You should try the burger too."
"Oh man it's like you're reading my mind," Ethan laughs. "I love their burgers, I'm definitely going to have to get one."
As the pleasant conversation disappears out of the cracked passenger side window and into the night, a few moments of welcoming silence befall the two travelers.
"So why hasn't a young guy like yourself been hitting the town regularly lately?" the driver inquires.
"It's a long story," Ethan informs. "I won't bore you with it."
"Try me," the driver asks. "We've got a good twenty minutes till you'll be on your way.
Another few moments of silence pass, before the two make eye contact in the rearview mirror.
"I'm guessing it has something to do with a girl," the driver infers as he looks back at Ethan. "Only thing that really makes sense to keep a young man such as yourself from enjoying the night life this city has to offer. Shit, if I wasn't driving you around I might be out there myself."
"I don't know," Ethan says after a few moments.
"What's that?" the driver responds.
"I haven't really been able to process it all for myself," Ethan says. "My family, friends, and you, all keep asking me to talk about it when I don't know how to talk about it with myself. It's not that I don't appreciate what everyone has been trying to do for me, but how do I talk about something I don't understand. It's made it all that much harder."
"I get that," the driver speaks. "I guess the real question is, have you been trying to understand it or has it been an excuse to keep the pain under the surface where you don't have to deal with it?"
Ethan begins to contemplate what this stranger has said to him.
"I don't know you, but just from what this conversation has eluded to I don't think that's your only problem," the driver says breaking Ethan's state of self-reflection.
"Oh," Ethan defensive and curiously replies. "What's the other problem?"
"I don't want to be out of line, but I also think it's something that you might need to hear," the driver warns.
"Go on," Ethan allows.
"Well when something is painful, traumatic, or unpleasant, I don't think you allow yourself to feel it," the driver explains.
Ethan's ears perk up and he sits up straight in the back passenger seat as he listens intently to the words from the driver.
"It's not just you, I see it a lot with all different kinds of people," the driver adds. "When people are dealt a raw hand or something heartbreaking happens to them, instead of dealing with it they ignore it. Pain and heartbreak are things we can't outrun and that we have to learn to deal with. Ignoring it only amplifies the affect that it ultimately has on you and on your entire life."
Ethan takes in the words being spoken to him.
"There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel pain," the driver says. "Somewhere along the way it became normal to deny that these things affect us. Allowing yourself to feel these things and acknowledging that they affect you, that's how you deal with something traumatic. We all go through it and trusting that other people can understand you and help you might be humbling and scary, but it can also set you free."
Ethan sits back in his seat and ponders what the driver has said to him. Suddenly the impact of the words hit him like a ton of bricks and all the thoughts and feelings that he had been trying so hard to keep at bay, begin to make their way to the surface. Ethan can feel the barrier he had been constructing day by day, to keep other people out, coming down brick by brick. Just as he feels ready to open up about what has happened to him, to another person, the car suddenly comes to a halt.
"Alright buddy, enjoy your evening," the driver calls out from the front of the car.
"What?" Ethan stumbles as he comes out of his deep coma of self recollection.
"Green Door, this is your stop," the driver responds as Ethan peers out of the window to notice people coming and going from the entrance of the crowded bar. "Hey man, I hope I wasn't to forward or out of my place with our conversation."
"No, not at all," Ethan reassures.
"Good," the driver purrs. "Then I hope what I said helped or struck a cord with you in someway. You seem like a good dude. But like everyone does from time to time, sometimes what we need to hear gets put on the back burner for what we want to hear. It's not always easy, but hopefully I told you something you needed to hear."
Just as he finishes his sentence, the backdoors to the car unlock and the driver gives Ethan an encouraging nod to get out car. Ethan doesn't say a word, only smiling back as he steps out of the car and onto the sidewalk. He closes the door and watches as the car drives off into the night and is lost in the bright lights and masses of other wandering travelers.
Ethan turns around and after a brief minute of hesitation, as he scans over the amount of people patronizing his usual spot, decides to open the notorious Green Door and walks in.
He is met by a line of people waiting for their turn to get in. The usual Saturday night crowd, mixed with a larger than usual audience, has the bar at near capacity. Coming thus far, Ethan decides to wait in line. When he gets up to the front, he is informed that there is at least a thirty minute wait to get in. Already on edge about even stepping foot out of his apartment, Ethan is prepared to use the wait as an excuse to retreat back to the safety of his couch.
Until a voice calls out over the crowd.
"Ethan!" the voice shouts. "Ethan!"
The hostess at the front door and Ethan turn around to notice the bartender, perched up on the bar just above the horizon of people with his hands cuffed around his mouth, calling out to the delayed regular.
"Let him through!" the bartender orders.
Just like that Ethan is in. He battles his way through the mass of people, noticing some friends and familiar faces on the way. After exchanging quick pleasantries, Ethan finally makes his way up to the bar. When he arrives, he notices that the bartender has cleared out a spot for him to sit down and relax.
"Hey man, what the fuck!" the bartender yells at Ethan over the noise of the crowded bar. "Where the fuck have you been? I haven't seen you around here in weeks. I thought we were going to have to close down without you giving us all your money."
"Ha, I've just been around man," Ethan jokes with his friend.
"Not around here, you cheap bastard," the bartender returns. "The usual?"
Ethan nods his head in agreement and the bartender quickly vanishes towards the other end of the counter. Left alone again, Ethan swivels around in his chair and looks out amongst the crowd. He observes the familiar and unfamiliar faces, and the other people engaging in conversations with each other. He notices the smiles and the laughs. Some friends even call out for him to join them, but he politely shakes them off as he waits for the bartender to return with his order.
"The usual your highness," the bartender's voice breaks in from over Ethan's shoulder.
Ethan turns around and examines the tall pint of foamy beer accompanied by a greasy burger and home-cut fries in a red basket. The grease of the burger patty seeps through the bun and onto the white parchment paper cradling the food inside of the basket. Ethan smugly looks up to his friend in delighted approvement.
"I'll let you get to work on that," the bartender sings as he grabs scattered empty beer mugs and other glasses off of the wooden bar counter top.
As the bartender leaves to clean up and serve the growing number of tipsy entrants, Ethan sips his beer and enjoys every bite of the loaded burger. The combination of the cheery atmosphere, great food and drink, with the music and infectious conversation in the air, Ethan's once restless self has found a brief moment of comfort. He, and everyone around him, continues to eat and drink until there is nothing left in front of him.
"So?" the bartender says as he washes up after his old friend.
"Just what I needed," Ethan replies.
"So what's up man?" the bartender asks. "Where have you been? The usual crowd hasn't seen you around in a while."
"I don't know?" Ethan breaths. "I guess I've just been going through a rough patch lately. No bullshit, that burger was probably the best thing that's happened to me lately."
The two friends share a brief laugh.
"Come on," the bartender pokes. "Details. I can't give you my highly sought after sage advice, if I don't know what's going on. I'm insightful, not a psychic."
"Ha," Ethan laughs. "It's just some personal stuff that happened with this girl."
"Women trouble?" the bartender quips.
"Yeah," a slightly bashful Ethan stammers.
"That's my specialty kid," the bartender returns.
"Well it's kinda of weird," Ethan warns. "I was really good friends with this girl Kelsey. I'm pretty sure you've met her, we used to come here with our friends a lot."
"Okay, yeah I remember her," the bartender confirms. "Pretty girl, out of your league."
The duo laugh with each other again.
"Anyway," Ethan continues. "We met through some mutual friends and we just clicked. We could talk about anything, joke around easily, and just always had a good time when we were with each other."
"But?" the bartender questions.
"Exactly," Ethan answers. "There always seemed to be this unspoken tension between us. Not a bad tension so much, just this feeling of does she feel the way I feel about her and do I feel the same way she feels about me."
"I see," the bartender marveled. "So what happened?"
"Nothing," Ethan answers. "I was to afraid to do anything about it. She tried to open up to me and I just kept putting up this wall, because I was afraid. I was afraid that if she saw my scars and the damage from my past she wouldn't understand. I was afraid that one day she would grow to resent me, and I would lose this amazing person in my life. Eventually my hesitation and defensiveness to putting my heart and trust in someone else's hand took its toll. "The worst part is I did feel for her the way she told me she felt about me," Ethan says looking down at the liquid in his mug. "Now it's to late."
"You need to tell her," the bartender demands. "You are young, you can't leave something like that unsaid. It will eat you alive every single day of your life. She needs to know."
"You don't get it," Ethan responds. "It's to late."
"Come on man," the bartender barks. "It may be to late to keep what you had, but it's not to late to speak your truth. If you had to go through your whole life with this feeling for someone else that you never vocalized, could you really live knowing that you never at least said something. I'm not saying it will change anything, but it will bring you some form of peace and finality. More importantly, you live your life never questioning what if."
Ethan takes a big swig of his beer and sits motionless on his barstool.
"It won't change anything," Ethan defeatedly says.
The bartender grabs the beer from in front of Ethan and dumps it out into the sink behind the bar. The bartender then tells him that he is going to call him a cab and wants him to go see her. With the alcohol in his system kicking in and tearing down his defenses, he reluctantly agrees. Ethan slowly gets up from his feet and starts to make his way towards the door. Doing so, he runs into Jacob and his girlfriend entering the bar after the evening with her parents.
"Hey man, where are you going?" Jacob says as he stops Ethan from leaving.
"I'm going to see Kelsey," Ethan informs.
"What?" Jacobs asks with a puzzled and concerned look on his face.
Without responding Ethan continues to walk out of the bar. Soon he is alone standing on the street corner awaiting the arrival of the cab the bartender ordered him. Ethan pulls out a cigarette and inhales, as the muffled sound of voices and music fill the night air. Ethan exhales the euphoric smoke as the vapors are captured by the glowing street light above. As the yellow cab pulls up along the corner, Ethan flicks the dart down a sewer drain and enters the vehicle.
Ethan informs the driver of his desired destination and asks if there is a convenient store open that sells flowers. The drive says there is and with the one scheduled pitstop, they are on their way. After retrieving the flowers, the cab eventually pulls up to where Kelsey is now staying. Ethan exits the car and pays the driver, before walking towards her.
After passing by others staying in the same place, Ethan finally reaches her and stands in front of her.
"Hey," Ethan says to an unresponsive Kelsey. "I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest. I need to say these things because I've been going around trying to ignore them, in denial, and pretending like I'm okay."
Ethan is once again met with silence.
"First off I'm sorry," Ethan apologizes. "You were an amazing friend and I really cherished what we had. The way things ended between us was never how I wanted it to, or how you deserved it to. You were brave enough to trust me and tell me how you felt, and I was to much of coward. I should have been honest, more open, and trusting in you."
The silence is broken by the sound of light falling rain.
"The truth is I did and I do love you," Ethan finally admits. "I just didn't know how and I didn't want that to be your problem. You can say that's an excuse or a way out, but it's true. I didn't know how to love you because I never had those strong of feelings for someone else. Even more for someone I truly never wanted to hurt or let down, but now I can see that from running that's exactly what I did."
A light breeze joins the drizzle.
"I loved you so much that I didn't think I deserved it," Ethan says as he sets the bouquet of flowers down on Kelsey's grave. "I know it's to late now to change anything. I just needed you to know. I just needed you to know once."
Ethan rearranges the other flowers around the grave that were blown over by the wind. He crouches down as he places his hand on top of the stone, while his head sinks into his chest. He gets up while kissing the top of the burial site. Ethan puts the hood of his jacket over his head to protect himself from the wind and the rain, before turning around and walking towards the exit, disappearing into the night.
Ethan returns his attention to the game and his beer.
"See, just like that," Jacob chides.
Jacob takes a breath, and a moment, to formulate the best way to express what he has left to say to his old friend.
"Look man," Jacob begins. "I can't imagine what you went through, so I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I know how you feel. You guys were really close and then suddenly it was just over. No red flags, no warning, nothing, it was just done. Something happened and I don't know what, and maybe I don't need to know, but I think you have to tell someone. Otherwise you'll just go crazy."
Ethan sets his beer down and looks intently at his friend.
"You guys were two of the closest friends I've ever known, even closer than us," Jacob continues. "Maybe, more than that."
This implication catches Ethan's attention. He maneuvers from his reclined position and moves towards the edge of his seat. Ethan then dawns a look of vulnerability on his face, and for a moment it looks as though he may actually let his guard down. As he contemplates what he is trying to say, suddenly he stops. Almost as if whatever brief spell had him ready to let his friend in, had broken. He sinks back into the depth of the couch and takes a swing of his drink.
"You're gonna be late to Sofia's aren't you," Ethan coldly says.
Jacob lets out a dull sigh before standing up from his chair, gathering his belongings and heading for the front door of the apartment. He opens the door and takes a step into the building's hallway, but before closing the door he turns around to say something to his friend.
"I hope you find some form of piece with what happened," Jacob's voice softly says as Ethan continues to watch the game. "I'll see you tomorrow buddy."
"Have fun," Ethan says as Jacob finally exits the apartment and firmly closes the door behind him.
As Ethan sits in the silent apartment, his mind begins to wander. He starts to think about everything he has gone through and everything that Jacob said to him. Just as his thoughts were to consume him entirely, Ethan cracks open a fresh beer and blares the volume of the football game taking place on the TV screen. For at least one more night he is able to escape.
Or so he thought.
As the game ends, Ethan quickly flips through the other stations to try to find his next distraction. Unable to find anything to calm the unrelenting clamor in his head, he angrily switches the TV off and tosses the remote aside as he stands up from his seat. He looks around the mausoleum like room before desperately reaching into the cooler for another drink.
All he finds is emptiness and the water of melted ice.
"Fuck!" Ethan shouts to no one in particular.
As his thoughts begin to break through the fortress of his subconscious, Ethan vainly paces his way out of the living room and towards his chambers at the far end of the apartment. The familiar journey past the TV, down the short hallway, by the apartments one bathroom, and through the door of his bedroom, that usually takes mere steps feels like a voyage across continents. He slams the door behind him, pressing is back up against the white paint, as if he is trying to keep out and intruder or an unseen monster.
"You're fine, you're fine," Ethan repeats to himself in between deep breaths.
Having calmed himself momentarily, he saunters over to his bed and plops down on the pillow and comforter covered mattress. Ethan picks up his Ipod and headphones on the nightstand to his left and starts to play music into his ears. Unable to combat his anguish through music or sleep, Ethan throws an empty stare towards the ceiling above him.
Soon the music in his ears fades and all he can hear is silence, as the ceiling stares right back at him. Whatever unseen force that has been picking this fight with him, has finally won.
"FINE!" Ethan once again shouts into the nothingness.
He springs up from his bed and begins to put together an outfit. Ethan disrobes and with a towel around his waste, exits his room and walks towards the bathroom. He runs a shower and cleans himself up for the evening, before heading back to his room to get dressed and order an uber. Just as his phone goes of to notify him of his arriving excursion around the city, Ethan takes one more quick glance around his apartment.
Finally ready to go out around town for the first time in weeks, he takes a step out into the hallway and closes the door behind him.
"Are you Ethan?" the voice of a middle aged black man calls out from the rolled down window of a car parked on the busy city street.
"Yeah," Ethan responds. "Thanks for the ride man."
"Don't mention it," the driver says as Ethan closes his passenger side door and the two temporary traveling companions ride off into the busy Saturday city night.
"So how's your night been going so far?" the driver says to Ethan.
"It just getting started," Ethan jokes.
"Nothing wrong with that," the driver assures. "So you're heading to the Green Door?"
"Yep, that's the spot for tonight," Ethan confirms. "To be honest I haven't been out much for a while, so I figured I'd go somewhere I'm rather familiar with. Plus I know the bartender working there tonight, so a few free drinks here and there is a nice incentive."
"Ha I feel you," the driver smiles. "You should try the burger too."
"Oh man it's like you're reading my mind," Ethan laughs. "I love their burgers, I'm definitely going to have to get one."
As the pleasant conversation disappears out of the cracked passenger side window and into the night, a few moments of welcoming silence befall the two travelers.
"So why hasn't a young guy like yourself been hitting the town regularly lately?" the driver inquires.
"It's a long story," Ethan informs. "I won't bore you with it."
"Try me," the driver asks. "We've got a good twenty minutes till you'll be on your way.
Another few moments of silence pass, before the two make eye contact in the rearview mirror.
"I'm guessing it has something to do with a girl," the driver infers as he looks back at Ethan. "Only thing that really makes sense to keep a young man such as yourself from enjoying the night life this city has to offer. Shit, if I wasn't driving you around I might be out there myself."
"I don't know," Ethan says after a few moments.
"What's that?" the driver responds.
"I haven't really been able to process it all for myself," Ethan says. "My family, friends, and you, all keep asking me to talk about it when I don't know how to talk about it with myself. It's not that I don't appreciate what everyone has been trying to do for me, but how do I talk about something I don't understand. It's made it all that much harder."
"I get that," the driver speaks. "I guess the real question is, have you been trying to understand it or has it been an excuse to keep the pain under the surface where you don't have to deal with it?"
Ethan begins to contemplate what this stranger has said to him.
"I don't know you, but just from what this conversation has eluded to I don't think that's your only problem," the driver says breaking Ethan's state of self-reflection.
"Oh," Ethan defensive and curiously replies. "What's the other problem?"
"I don't want to be out of line, but I also think it's something that you might need to hear," the driver warns.
"Go on," Ethan allows.
"Well when something is painful, traumatic, or unpleasant, I don't think you allow yourself to feel it," the driver explains.
Ethan's ears perk up and he sits up straight in the back passenger seat as he listens intently to the words from the driver.
"It's not just you, I see it a lot with all different kinds of people," the driver adds. "When people are dealt a raw hand or something heartbreaking happens to them, instead of dealing with it they ignore it. Pain and heartbreak are things we can't outrun and that we have to learn to deal with. Ignoring it only amplifies the affect that it ultimately has on you and on your entire life."
Ethan takes in the words being spoken to him.
"There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel pain," the driver says. "Somewhere along the way it became normal to deny that these things affect us. Allowing yourself to feel these things and acknowledging that they affect you, that's how you deal with something traumatic. We all go through it and trusting that other people can understand you and help you might be humbling and scary, but it can also set you free."
Ethan sits back in his seat and ponders what the driver has said to him. Suddenly the impact of the words hit him like a ton of bricks and all the thoughts and feelings that he had been trying so hard to keep at bay, begin to make their way to the surface. Ethan can feel the barrier he had been constructing day by day, to keep other people out, coming down brick by brick. Just as he feels ready to open up about what has happened to him, to another person, the car suddenly comes to a halt.
"Alright buddy, enjoy your evening," the driver calls out from the front of the car.
"What?" Ethan stumbles as he comes out of his deep coma of self recollection.
"Green Door, this is your stop," the driver responds as Ethan peers out of the window to notice people coming and going from the entrance of the crowded bar. "Hey man, I hope I wasn't to forward or out of my place with our conversation."
"No, not at all," Ethan reassures.
"Good," the driver purrs. "Then I hope what I said helped or struck a cord with you in someway. You seem like a good dude. But like everyone does from time to time, sometimes what we need to hear gets put on the back burner for what we want to hear. It's not always easy, but hopefully I told you something you needed to hear."
Just as he finishes his sentence, the backdoors to the car unlock and the driver gives Ethan an encouraging nod to get out car. Ethan doesn't say a word, only smiling back as he steps out of the car and onto the sidewalk. He closes the door and watches as the car drives off into the night and is lost in the bright lights and masses of other wandering travelers.
Ethan turns around and after a brief minute of hesitation, as he scans over the amount of people patronizing his usual spot, decides to open the notorious Green Door and walks in.
He is met by a line of people waiting for their turn to get in. The usual Saturday night crowd, mixed with a larger than usual audience, has the bar at near capacity. Coming thus far, Ethan decides to wait in line. When he gets up to the front, he is informed that there is at least a thirty minute wait to get in. Already on edge about even stepping foot out of his apartment, Ethan is prepared to use the wait as an excuse to retreat back to the safety of his couch.
Until a voice calls out over the crowd.
"Ethan!" the voice shouts. "Ethan!"
The hostess at the front door and Ethan turn around to notice the bartender, perched up on the bar just above the horizon of people with his hands cuffed around his mouth, calling out to the delayed regular.
"Let him through!" the bartender orders.
Just like that Ethan is in. He battles his way through the mass of people, noticing some friends and familiar faces on the way. After exchanging quick pleasantries, Ethan finally makes his way up to the bar. When he arrives, he notices that the bartender has cleared out a spot for him to sit down and relax.
"Hey man, what the fuck!" the bartender yells at Ethan over the noise of the crowded bar. "Where the fuck have you been? I haven't seen you around here in weeks. I thought we were going to have to close down without you giving us all your money."
"Ha, I've just been around man," Ethan jokes with his friend.
"Not around here, you cheap bastard," the bartender returns. "The usual?"
Ethan nods his head in agreement and the bartender quickly vanishes towards the other end of the counter. Left alone again, Ethan swivels around in his chair and looks out amongst the crowd. He observes the familiar and unfamiliar faces, and the other people engaging in conversations with each other. He notices the smiles and the laughs. Some friends even call out for him to join them, but he politely shakes them off as he waits for the bartender to return with his order.
"The usual your highness," the bartender's voice breaks in from over Ethan's shoulder.
Ethan turns around and examines the tall pint of foamy beer accompanied by a greasy burger and home-cut fries in a red basket. The grease of the burger patty seeps through the bun and onto the white parchment paper cradling the food inside of the basket. Ethan smugly looks up to his friend in delighted approvement.
"I'll let you get to work on that," the bartender sings as he grabs scattered empty beer mugs and other glasses off of the wooden bar counter top.
As the bartender leaves to clean up and serve the growing number of tipsy entrants, Ethan sips his beer and enjoys every bite of the loaded burger. The combination of the cheery atmosphere, great food and drink, with the music and infectious conversation in the air, Ethan's once restless self has found a brief moment of comfort. He, and everyone around him, continues to eat and drink until there is nothing left in front of him.
"So?" the bartender says as he washes up after his old friend.
"Just what I needed," Ethan replies.
"So what's up man?" the bartender asks. "Where have you been? The usual crowd hasn't seen you around in a while."
"I don't know?" Ethan breaths. "I guess I've just been going through a rough patch lately. No bullshit, that burger was probably the best thing that's happened to me lately."
The two friends share a brief laugh.
"Come on," the bartender pokes. "Details. I can't give you my highly sought after sage advice, if I don't know what's going on. I'm insightful, not a psychic."
"Ha," Ethan laughs. "It's just some personal stuff that happened with this girl."
"Women trouble?" the bartender quips.
"Yeah," a slightly bashful Ethan stammers.
"That's my specialty kid," the bartender returns.
"Well it's kinda of weird," Ethan warns. "I was really good friends with this girl Kelsey. I'm pretty sure you've met her, we used to come here with our friends a lot."
"Okay, yeah I remember her," the bartender confirms. "Pretty girl, out of your league."
The duo laugh with each other again.
"Anyway," Ethan continues. "We met through some mutual friends and we just clicked. We could talk about anything, joke around easily, and just always had a good time when we were with each other."
"But?" the bartender questions.
"Exactly," Ethan answers. "There always seemed to be this unspoken tension between us. Not a bad tension so much, just this feeling of does she feel the way I feel about her and do I feel the same way she feels about me."
"I see," the bartender marveled. "So what happened?"
"Nothing," Ethan answers. "I was to afraid to do anything about it. She tried to open up to me and I just kept putting up this wall, because I was afraid. I was afraid that if she saw my scars and the damage from my past she wouldn't understand. I was afraid that one day she would grow to resent me, and I would lose this amazing person in my life. Eventually my hesitation and defensiveness to putting my heart and trust in someone else's hand took its toll. "The worst part is I did feel for her the way she told me she felt about me," Ethan says looking down at the liquid in his mug. "Now it's to late."
"You need to tell her," the bartender demands. "You are young, you can't leave something like that unsaid. It will eat you alive every single day of your life. She needs to know."
"You don't get it," Ethan responds. "It's to late."
"Come on man," the bartender barks. "It may be to late to keep what you had, but it's not to late to speak your truth. If you had to go through your whole life with this feeling for someone else that you never vocalized, could you really live knowing that you never at least said something. I'm not saying it will change anything, but it will bring you some form of peace and finality. More importantly, you live your life never questioning what if."
Ethan takes a big swig of his beer and sits motionless on his barstool.
"It won't change anything," Ethan defeatedly says.
The bartender grabs the beer from in front of Ethan and dumps it out into the sink behind the bar. The bartender then tells him that he is going to call him a cab and wants him to go see her. With the alcohol in his system kicking in and tearing down his defenses, he reluctantly agrees. Ethan slowly gets up from his feet and starts to make his way towards the door. Doing so, he runs into Jacob and his girlfriend entering the bar after the evening with her parents.
"Hey man, where are you going?" Jacob says as he stops Ethan from leaving.
"I'm going to see Kelsey," Ethan informs.
"What?" Jacobs asks with a puzzled and concerned look on his face.
Without responding Ethan continues to walk out of the bar. Soon he is alone standing on the street corner awaiting the arrival of the cab the bartender ordered him. Ethan pulls out a cigarette and inhales, as the muffled sound of voices and music fill the night air. Ethan exhales the euphoric smoke as the vapors are captured by the glowing street light above. As the yellow cab pulls up along the corner, Ethan flicks the dart down a sewer drain and enters the vehicle.
Ethan informs the driver of his desired destination and asks if there is a convenient store open that sells flowers. The drive says there is and with the one scheduled pitstop, they are on their way. After retrieving the flowers, the cab eventually pulls up to where Kelsey is now staying. Ethan exits the car and pays the driver, before walking towards her.
After passing by others staying in the same place, Ethan finally reaches her and stands in front of her.
"Hey," Ethan says to an unresponsive Kelsey. "I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest. I need to say these things because I've been going around trying to ignore them, in denial, and pretending like I'm okay."
Ethan is once again met with silence.
"First off I'm sorry," Ethan apologizes. "You were an amazing friend and I really cherished what we had. The way things ended between us was never how I wanted it to, or how you deserved it to. You were brave enough to trust me and tell me how you felt, and I was to much of coward. I should have been honest, more open, and trusting in you."
The silence is broken by the sound of light falling rain.
"The truth is I did and I do love you," Ethan finally admits. "I just didn't know how and I didn't want that to be your problem. You can say that's an excuse or a way out, but it's true. I didn't know how to love you because I never had those strong of feelings for someone else. Even more for someone I truly never wanted to hurt or let down, but now I can see that from running that's exactly what I did."
A light breeze joins the drizzle.
"I loved you so much that I didn't think I deserved it," Ethan says as he sets the bouquet of flowers down on Kelsey's grave. "I know it's to late now to change anything. I just needed you to know. I just needed you to know once."
Ethan rearranges the other flowers around the grave that were blown over by the wind. He crouches down as he places his hand on top of the stone, while his head sinks into his chest. He gets up while kissing the top of the burial site. Ethan puts the hood of his jacket over his head to protect himself from the wind and the rain, before turning around and walking towards the exit, disappearing into the night.
The End
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